Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
