i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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