JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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