he thought i was a dude.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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