I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
