If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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