im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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