He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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