First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
