Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
