i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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