i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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