If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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