dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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