I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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