i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
