I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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