I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
