Redeem this text for a blowjob
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
