I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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