I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
