someone threw a dead crab at me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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