Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
