i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
