my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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