You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
