I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
