We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
