Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
