i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
