I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
