well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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