im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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