He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
