I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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