I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize