idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Who died my cat blue again?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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