I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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