Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
