I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize