11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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