Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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