she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
As shirtless as possible
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My dick has a subreddit
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
