I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
