I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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