3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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