you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
