If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
