I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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