I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
