well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Damn victory sex feels great
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
