Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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