Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
