my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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