Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
