I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
